A Social Alien!

This ban on smoking in public places from July 1st is a good thing. I'm saying that and I smoke. Back in the day of youth i started this habit because all my friends did so i followed peer pressure. Now i must follow it again to quit. Its damn hard to, i've tried those patches back in February, but after two months began smoking again using some silly excuse. The disapointment on my sons face when he saw me smoking really did hit home. Now i am on my last pack and at the time of writing this have no plans to buy more.
I want and must set my son a good example, i do NOT want him to start smoking so i must practice what i preach.
With that said i must mention the dirty looks i get when i have lit up in cafes and parks. If looks could kill i wouldnt have to quit would i?
Anyone reading this i would be grateful for support i know im gonna need it.

I Said I Was Sorry....Okay!

It's supposed to be flaming June, but being England it's done nothing but pee with rain. Umbrella's are out in force and walking down any street you are at risk of getting poked in the eye by someone with a huge umbrella. That person is me, unable to find a normal size umbrella anywhere in the house I had no choice but to use this one. I did apologise to the man who's eye I nearly took out but it was his fault, he shouldn't have looked up at that moment! I know I shouldn't have laughed either but i couldnt help it, the expression on his face at the time would make anyone laugh and it WAS only a small scratch. Try giving birth mate, now THAT is pain!

The Satirical Muvver speaks out!

The Satirical Muvver speaks out!

The Satirical Muvver speaks out!

The Satirical Muvver speaks out!
Blogs,Cornwall,Humour, Fun,Families

Had a bloody car crash this morning. Hit a car up the arse. The fella got out and he was a dwarf and he said "I'm not happy". I said "Which one are you then?"

The thing about camping....you become a hedge mumper!

I do like camping...or at least i did. It must be an age thing as roughing it just isnt me anymore. Staying in Alisons garden in our tent to begin with was an exciting adventure, we could hear the chickens in their coop nearby, birds singing and the wind rustling the leaves in the trees.
As darkness fell, Alison pointed out bats flying above our heads, next doors dog barked almost constantly and it then started to pour with rain.
Tucking ourselves into sleeping bags i realised we'd picked the lumpiest patch of garden in which to pitch the tent.
No one could find the torch and wanting to use the loo in the middle of the night is not funny when you've no loo roll, i hate drip dry!
Of course Gary and Alex fell asleep so listening to their snoring and that damn barking dog meant i didnt sleep. The rain hitting the tent sounded like someone drumming all night and come morning i looked and felt like shit.
My hair had a personality of its own and the bright red nose i always have when camping resembled Rudolph, i'm getting fed up of looking like i've been sleeping in a hedge. It wont be long before someone sees me in the street takes pity and gives me money thinking i'm homeless.
Give me a hotel with comfy bed and maid service please!!

Gary trying to recapture his childhood!

Country living is chicken shit!

Alison and Al our friends live near Newquay, at the end of our caravan holiday we stayed with them camping in their gorgeous garden.

Alison keeps chickens and grows her own vegetables all very organic.

Alex spent hours in the chicken shed loving every moment until one particular chicken shat on him. Gary said he'd sort it all out by that i assumed he'd clean the poo off Alex's shoulders as a chicken had been sitting there quite happily before following through.

There's me thinking problem sorted, i mean wiping up poo is quite simple. Of course chicken shit really hums one whiff had Gary heaving leaving him basically helpless, Alex is flapping (scuse the pun) as he feels uncomfortable. Alison deals with the problem within seconds i'm now on the floor laughing as Gary has gone pale and quiet highlighting the fact he's not one to turn to in a crisis. Welcome to country living!

Three go Mad in Cornwall!

Visiting Boscastle was next on our list. Small and charming this village suffered terribly back in August 2004 due to a flood. On many of the shops you can see markers of where the water rose up to, going way over our heads it was clear much damage had been done.

Gary and I knew what to expect when we came across the Witchcraft Museum so it was Alex who was sent in to see for himself. Twenty minutes later he came out declaring it odd as it was full of shrunken heads and stuffed cats. The shock of this called for icecream and cappuccino as nerves had to be calmed!

The legend of King Arthur is a huge selling point when it comes to visiting the various gift shops

i've never seen so many things to buy all on the back of an ancient knight.

Tintagel nearby is the same, stories of old bring in the tourists, thought it a bit much charging an entry fee to see the castle when in fact if you look up you can see it anyway. But thats me being a tight cow. As usual I acted the typical tourist clicking away at everything, Cornwall is so pretty i just cant help it so sod it.

Three go Mad in Cornwall

Forgot to pack any wellies thinking it would be glorious sunshine (bloody lying weather forecasters!)thought i'd get a great tan to show off. Instead the whole week it rained allowing the sun to shine only briefly. It didnt dampen our spirits as living in England you get used to it. We headed to the beach at Rock where across the bay you can see Padstow.

Rick Stein the TV chef owns most of this village and locally its known as Padstein. His chippy is amazing and every time i visit this area its one place i have to go as fresh cod and chips cooked in beef dripping is mouth watering.

Alex has seen a lot of Cornwall and loves the beaches, have to mention Sennen Cove which is perfect for rock pools and crabbing. Anyway Rock beach is great for taking photos very scenic, think Alex got a bit tired of me snapping away. Putting his hand up saying 'No pictures' he sounded like a tired celebrity bless him! Still it didnt stop me, since i invested in a digital camera might as well use it!?

Three Go Mad in Cornwall!

St. Minver church is right next to the park surrounded by chocolate box cottages of which i would love to live in. Apparently Robbie Williams and Hugh Grant have places nearby but we didnt get an invite so consoled ourselves in wandering round the graveyard.

Holiday in Cornwall continues....

Discovering the amusement arcade meant Alex spent his daily allowance in about ten minutes. He won fifteen pounds and my advice to save it for something else was ignored so consequently it was poured back into another machine. Told to stop fussing and ruining his enjoyment i played pool with Gary letting him beat me (!). He'd driven over 200 miles that day and i had to show some gratitude didnt i ?

Three Go Mad in Cornwall!

Our Holiday in Cornwall.





My little Ford Fiesta coughed and spluttered a bit during the five hour drive to St Minver in Cornwall which was hardly surprising as i'd crammed in enough clothes food and beach toys to last the whole summer. I admit i'm dreadful at packing and really need a lorry to cart all my crap around but its amazing what you can cram into a small car. Alex had to sit in a small space, but with the portable DVD player keeping him amused and a ready supply of chocolate and fizzy pop by the time we actually arrived at our destination he was hyper and excitable so we let him loose to explore the holiday park giving me and my brother Gary time to unpack and settle into our caravan. Situated in a woodland setting just two miles from the sea St Minver is a great location to explore the wonders of Cornwall.


Being so practical and perfect i'd bought along food for the week and it no time created an amazing dish of meatballs and rice while i did this Alex was busy having fun while Gary opened loads of cupboard doors and marvelled over all the equipment the caravan was supplied with.



Once fed, we had a wander around the park oohing and aahing at the childrens park and amazing surrounding views before letting Alex lead the way to the clubhouse which meant a large vodka and coke for me guinness for Gary and another hyper fuelled drink for Alex.

Ooh I say.....!

Three mice in the pub having a heavy drinking session discussing who's the hardest. First mouse says "I'm the hardest i go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room"
Second mouse says "You poof i get rat poison crush it into powder and snort it".
Third mouse finishes his pint gets up and walks to the door.
"Where you going?", the other mice ask.
"Home", he says, "To shag the cat".

Woman goes on Antiques Roadshow, slaps a tampax on the table and says "There you go twat tell me what f****** period thats from?"

What do i need a man for?

Just why does it happen to me? My usually trusty but rusty Ford Fiesta is reliable getting me from A to B on mere fumes but today knowing i needed petrol i discovered i couldnt get the petrol cap off. While at the local garage i thought i'd ask some hunky guy to help as i was clearly a damsel in distress. This guy looking like a right moose was the only man available at the time leaving me no choice but to ask. To give him some credit he did try and force the cap off but the sounds of his kids bawling in his car only added to his already stressed state.
I ended up leaving the garage petrol less and thoroughly pissed off, where was Johnny Depp when you needed him?

After coasting back home on fumes i cursed my car and resorted to plan B. My bike. Buried under rubbish i should of thrown out long ago getting it out of the shed took ten sweaty minutes. With no food in the house and my son almost starved going to the supermarket was crucial. With the petrol cap problem still on my mind i forgot the fact id arrived at the supermarket on my bike, so after buying enough food to feed an army getting home took effort and muscle, bags on the verge of splitting hung off the handles i trudged home feeling fractious and a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. My ugly neighbour passed in his car "Youre supposed to ride it", he calls.
I'm too knackered to give him the finger so hope his balls turn square and fester, this thought cheers me up. Once home after unpacking the problem of the petrol cap arises as tomorow i have more errands to do and riding my bike ten miles to get there is not an option.
Phoning the local Ford garage i'm quoted £60 which i havent got so Halfords the car parts shop is my only option. Chewing on a mars bar the assistant directs me to the display of universal petrol caps, knowing nothing about cars i pick the cheapest and hope for the best.
The highlight of the day comes when i realise it fits my car, i cant resist the temptation to dance in the street, Alex is embarrassed but im over the moon its times like this i realise that i can do practical things without the help of a man. I'm in heaven my darlings! I just love being me..

Gimme Gimme Gimme!!!

Every school holiday is the same trying to find things to amuse your child in order for peace and quiet and as little grief as possible. This week is half term so we've seen the latest Pirates film, scored a strike at ten pin bowling and had a six mile bike ride through the countryside. Alex has eaten a ton of ice cream and burgers and his friends have eaten me out of house and home.
Of course now the money is gone i have been abandoned as Alex and his friends find amusement elsewhere as im clearly no use anymore.
Roll on Monday and school again....