The Satirical Muvver speaks out!: The Satirical Muvver speaks out!

Stupid Things People Have Said!

'Go back to Liverpool, Mr Epstein, groups with guitars are out' Dick Rowe of Decca Records, rejecting the Beatles.

'Get rid of the lunatic who says he's got a machine for seeing by wireless' The editor of the Daily Express refusing to meet John Logie Baird-the man who invented television.

'Come, come - why, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-' John Sedgwick, American Civil War General, just before he was shot dead.

'Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy' Drillers responding to Edwin L. Drake in 1859.

Eve and Adam

One day in the garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem".
"What's the problem Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake but, I'm just not happy".
"Why is that Eve?", came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely and sick to death of apples".
"Well in that case I have a solution, I shall create a man for you".
"What's a man Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature with agressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properley. All in all he'll give you a hard time but, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet footed ruminants and not altogether bad in the sack".
"Sounds great", Eve said, with a ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well you can have him on one condition", said God.
"What's that Lord?"
"Because of his tender ego you'll have to let him beleive that I made him first".

ONLY IN BRITAIN!!

Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain...were 142 men injured in a single year because they didn't remove all the pins from new shirts.

Only in Britain...are 58 people injured every year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers , large fries and a diet coke.

Only in Britain...do chemists make ill people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy chocolate bars at the front.

ANAGRAMS

No, I Decline :Celine Dion
Begs Huge Row: George W Bush
Bravo I'm Ace Thick :Victoria Beckham
Blame,Complain :Naomi Campbell
I Am Only A Lass: Alyssa Milano
Docile or Paranoid :Leonardo DiCaprio
Old West Action: Clint Eastwood
Him All Spotty: Timothy Spall
Native Noddy: Danny DeVito
Pay Mr Clean Cut :Paul McCartney
Got So Weird: Tiger Woods
I'm A True Bogey :Tobey Maguire
Me Thin Man: Tim Henman
Meant to Crunch Mice :Martine McCutcheon
So Angry or Mad: Gordon Ramsay
I Am A Scowling Rat :Alistair McGowan
That Snail Charm: Alan Titchmarsh
I Am A Plonker Not Smart: Tara Palmer Tompkinson

APRIL FOOLS DAY PRANKS

Probably the most famous British April Fool's Day prank was the Spaghetti Harvest on BBC's Panorama in 1957. It's presenter was the highly respected Richard Dimbleby, and millions of people were taken in when he told them about the spaghetti harvest and showed them the spaghetti 'growing' and being 'dried' in the sun.

In 1976, Patrick Moore told radio listeners that while Pluto passed behind Jupiter there would be a decrease in gravitational pull. He said that if people were to jump in the air, they would feel as though they were floating. Several people rang up to say that they had done that and enjoyed the feeling.

In 1980, the BBC World Service told its listeners that Big Ben's clock face would be replaced by a digital face.

In 1994 Mars took out a full-page advertisement in newspapers announcing their 'New Biggest-Ever Mars Bar'. The 'Emperor'- sized Mars Bar was 32 pounds (14 kilograms) of 'thick chocolate,glucose and milk'. It was 'on sale' for one day only: April 1.

Those Annoying Things In Life!!!

People who talk loudly in the cinema and wont shut up.
When you go to the aid of an elderly person thinking they need assistance of some kind then realise they're pissed.
When my son says'I Know' when I'm attempting to explain something. Just how the fuck does he know?
Seeing an ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend having a snog on the street. Only consolation is that despite all the foreplay the end result is a bitter disapointment. Bitch Bitch!
When someone coughs in your face splattering phelgm everywhere. Thanks for that cherry on the cake of my day.
Doctor's Receptionists...ours is a complete and utter bitch!
When some idiot reveals the ending of the latest Harry Potter book before you've read it.
Fat people who say 'Does my bum look big in this?'
When neighbours decide to throw a party and play shit music about three feet from my pillow.
When the doorbell goes when you are in the middle of eating dinner and its a Jehovah's witness wishing to discuss the meaning of life!
When the guy you fancy is dating an ugly cow.
Miserable gits who win the lottery and still remain miserable afterwards.
Treading in dog shit and walking it on new carpet.
People who state the bleeding obvious.
People who cut in front of you in queue and dont apologise.
Going to a cashpoint knowing you have £10 in there and the damn machine eats your card.
Going in bank to explain about card and bank teller says you have to wait five days smiles at you and wishes you a good day.
Being told by a Librarian that you owe 34pence therefore cant take out 1001 Things to do before you die.

Funny Quotes From Funny People

Woody Allen: It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens!

There are worst things in life than death, Have you ever spent the evening with an Insurance Salesman?

Tommy Cooper: Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off!

Spike Milligan: In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife!

George Burns: Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake it then you've got it made.

Cher: Men should be like Kleenex, soft strong and disposable.

Mae West: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Rita Rudner: When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Benjamin Spock: There are only 2 things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and it's mother's age.

It Must Be True I Read It In The Tabloids!

Kate Moss was bemused when she met Jeremy Clarkson at a showbiz party. The TV Presenter introduced himself with a cheery : "Hi I'm Jeremy Clarkson and I do Top Gear".
"Ere", replied Kate, wrinkling her nose. "Are you trying to sell me drugs?"

Firemen were called out for help by a woman who had handcuffed her lover to a bed in a sex romp. They took ten minutes to cut through the solid steel cuffs of the man scantily clad in boxer shorts. He turned out to be the firestation's accident adviser.

French theives dumped a lorry load of cheap wine outside Paris, with a note saying "We're not drinking this rubbish".

The madam of a legal brothel in Sydney,Australia, has complained to the local council about plans to build a church nearby. She says it will attract the wrong sort of people to the area.

A woman who stopped at traffic lights in Detroit noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front reading: "Honk, If You Love Jesus". When she did exactly that, the driver suffered an attack of road rage, got out and bashed a dent in her bonnet with a baseball bat.

A busload of Zimbabwean psychiatric patients on their way to hospital escaped when their driver stopped for a drink. Returning to an empty bus, he panicked, picked up passengers from an ordinary bus stop and drove them to hospital, telling staff they were "excitable and prone to inventing stories." It was three days before the commuters were released.

A First Aid book issued to Australian factory workers includes the advice: "Shake the victim and shout, 'Are you alright?"

Rivals in a beauty contest had to be separated by police after they started punching each other when the result was announced. The battered girls in Orlando,Florida had been competing for the title 'Miss Sweetness'.

Ollie"s Issues.....

My dog should have an ASBO enforced on him. His fascination with our garden shed has now gone beyond a joke. Wedging himself behind it as he tries in vain to catch a mouse or frog that no one else can see is just not funny anymore. He's usually so cute and laid back, the mere sight of a shed transforms him into MAD DOG.
Picking such times as dinner time or when we are due to go out to perform this party trick means hours of coaxing using whispered sweet nothings or last resort best ham. Now he's been banned from the back garden and no amount of dirty looks on his part will change my mind. The ham is mine. As payback he now shits on the doorstep. Anyone coming up our path can expect to slide.

You gotta laugh!!

A couple are having a one night stand, after they finish having sex the man says he'll love to stay but i bet your husband will be home soon. "What makes you think i have a husband?", the woman says. "I noticed the photo of the man beside your bed", the man replies. The lady laughs and says, "Dont be silly that's just me before the operation". -------------------------------------------------------- Paddy pulls alongside a lorry, "Oi driver you're losing your load", he shouts. Driver says "F*** off". Five miles further along the road Paddy shouts again, "Oi mate youre losing your load". Driver shouts "Will you f*** off?" A few miles further along Paddy yells again "I'm not joking youre losing your load". Driver says "Will you go away you thick idiot I'm gritting". -------------------------------------------------- Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at huge black man who says, "Before you ask me i'm 7ft tall 350llbs have a 20"willy and my balls weigh 3llbs each, Turner Brown. White man faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his statistics and says my name's Turner Brown. "Thank f*** for that", white man says, I thought you said TURN AROUND"!

If I won the lottery....

The first thing i would do is a body swerve down to the travel agents laughing gleefully at all the poor people as i pass by. Book at least three weeks to Canada staying in a lodge overlooking Lake Louise. Go on as many trips out as possible including Bear watching, whale watching and white water rafting. Then go to Alaska and skate on all the ice there acting like the big kid i really am. After my holiday is over go back to England (briefly) tell my boss where to get off then go to an estate agent and buy two houses, one in Cornwall where its wild and free and another in either the South of France or Spain for the sun. When i am there i shall build a huge bonfire burning all the begging letters i will receive then sit back and enjoy a cool drink and comtemplate my next move. So there you go....!!

Monday 25 June 2007