A man is in bed with his wife when there's a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock. "It's half three in the morning", he grumbles. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time".
Then a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?", his wife says.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and a stranger is standing there. It didn't take take long for the man to figure out the stranger was drunk.
"Hi", says the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No", says the man, "Get lost it's half three in the morning. He slams the door and goes back upstairs and tells his wife.
"Dave that wasn't very nice", his wife says. "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain to pick up the kids from the babysitter? "You had to knock on this man's door to get us started again. What would have happened if he told us to get lost?
"But this man was drunk", said the husband.
"It doesn't matter", the wife said, "It's a christian thing to help him".
So the husband gets up and dressed and goes downstairs again. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts: "Hey do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out "Yes please".
So still unable to see the man he calls, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing set".
A little kid walks onto a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling. "If my dad was a bull and my mum a cow then I'd be a little bull".
The driver starts getting mad at the little kid who continues with: "If my dad was an elephant and my mum a girl elephant I would be a little elephant".
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid. "What if your dad was a drunk and your mum a prostitute?"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver".
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer is nowhere to be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end to the horse and drives the car forward to save him from sinking.
A few days later the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the hole. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole". So he stretched over the width of the hole and says, "If you grab hold of my thingy and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story is:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten men. On their wedding night she told her new husband. "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".
"What", said her puzzled husband, "How can that be, you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband One was a Sales Rep, he kept telling me how great I was going to be.
No.2: was in Software Services he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd have a look at it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from the Field Services: He said everything checked out diagnostically but he couldn't get the system up.
Number four was in Telemarketing; he thought he had the order but he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Five was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the art method.
Six was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how but wasn't sure if it was his job or not.
Seven was in Marketing although he had a nice product he was never sure how to position it.
Eight was a Psychologist; All he did was talk about it.
Nine was a Gynecologist; All he did was look at it.
Husband Ten was a Stamp Collector: All he did was...God I miss him. But now I've married you, I'm really excited.
"Good", says her new husband, "But why?"
"You're a lawyer". This time I know I'm gonna get screwed.
