Christmas is Coming and the Valium's on Special Offer!

With Christmas fast approaching, I know soon I'll have to don the old combat gear and riot shield and face the crowds of frenzied shoppers, all intent on grabbing the latest 'must haves'. I expect to be elbowed, cursed at and trodden on during the rush.

Little old ladies will forget to be polite as they snatch the intended gift I've spent hours looking for from my hands. Body swerving out of sight forgetting their dodgy hip/bad leg problem, they'll use the walking stick they came in with as a weapon. To bash my face in if I dare complain. I shall then take refuge in a cafe in the vain hope of gaining strength through caffiene and copious amounts of sugar.

I shall ask for the latest computer game that my son has requested only to be told its sold out. Begging and pleading and offering sexual services to an ugly male shop assistant wont work, as the old dear before me has already tried and failed.

Picturing the disapointment on my son's face will spur me on and I will become strong and determined forgetting the casual approach I had to begin with. My patience will be tested sorely and I'll take it out on all sales staff I come into contact with. Then I'll feel guilty but only after I leave the shop with my goods all wrapped up neatly and tied with a bow.
Then once home, I'll realise I have nowhere to hide the damn presents as my son has discovered all the usual places. Using a lame excuse to get him out of the house I will attempt to find someplace new. But it will be discovered once my backs turned.

Then I'll sit back exhausted but content that my personal battle has been won for that day. Tommorow it will all begin again. This is Christmas. Happy Holidays!